How to be in charge of your life, your emotions

Responsibility, Responsibility, Responsibility

I attended my first yoga class 3 years back, and in the 2nd or 3rd session, the teacher kept on going about responsibility. About how I was responsible for my life, I was responsible for all the things that happened to me in my life, and I was responsible for even things that happened before my life! That I had the ability to respond, that I was response ‘able’. I did not get this point at all. I remember sitting there wondering why was I being taught about responsibility in a yoga class. Well, it was only after a few sessions, did I understand that, I might have joined expecting a ‘stretching the body into impossible postures’ kind of yoga class, but what I had got here was something beyond just the physical aspect of Yoga.

So anyway, even after the all the sessions, I still could not grasp this responsibility business. I thought, ok I am responsible for my life. I do all the things to take care of myself, I am responsible! I certainly did not consider myself as irresponsible.

And so, life went on and so did my assumption that I was a responsible being. And then, as life happened (It happens doesn’t it?), situations came into my life at a much faster pace than they usually had before. And in each of these situations, the lesson of responsibility used to come back to me, and I would wonder at every juncture “Am I responsible for this happening to me?”. But then there were so many factors that were responsible for the situation that was happening to me. How could I be responsible for this? My razor-sharp logic found a way out. It always could; I was blessed that way — capable of coming up with a logic/rationale for everything that happened to me and to others.

But every time a situation came up, this questioning didn’t stop. Though my dear logic was quick to come up with an explanation, still this question persisted, presenting a challenge to my logic every time — “Am I responsible for this?”

Every single time. When I had my heart broken “Am I responsible?” Did I screw up here?

When I had career problems “Am I responsible?” Could I have handled this differently?

When I had ambition/money problems “Am I responsible?” Did I act stupidly?

When I hurt someone (of course the answer might seem that one would take responsibility here, but still the mind would ask) “Am I really responsible here or am I the victim?”

And the damn questions kept getting stronger with every subsequent situation that popped up! What voodoo was this I thought! But I knew, somewhere deep down, this was a very deep issue that was being tackled. This was something that was within me, an inherent characteristic within me that was being thrown to the surface, something that I had avoided facing up to because it did not put me in a very good light — this basic fact that all my life I had not been responsible at all. Or rather, I had avoided responsibility. And now, I was being confronted with it. Each situation that came, whenever my logic came in to the rescue, I knew it was just a ‘way’ that my mind was finding to avoid being response ‘able’ to the situation. I was either avoiding confrontation, difficult conversations with others and myself, avoiding uncomfortable situations, not acknowledging my lack of decisiveness, or whatever it maybe, I was avoiding responding to the situation. I would wait for an out, or would rather search for an out hiding behind logic or what I considered as a reasonable explanation for my situation / predicament.

But this avoiding, avoiding that I had been doing, had kept things half simmering to blow up in my face later on. And then I would not even acknowledge responsibility for that situation as well. It became very apparent, that in avoiding the difficult situations in life, I was living half a life. Always hoping for the middle path, the diplomatic way, the ‘lets get on’ way, I was neither here nor there. That is why life had become such a series of drag events, one after the other; because if you keep avoiding living life, to whatever it throws you into, then it will keep throwing you in until you get the point. But once you get the point, then handling life becomes much better (not easier, but you get better at it. And if you get better, naturally, it gets easier too!). It is not that situations will ease up, but you become much more adept at handling them.

With more of the questions persisting, I kind of looked around me and tried to see what other people said or did. I became very aware to the kind of vocabulary that others used around me.

I realized that most people face the same things/situations. Though the scenery maybe different, the characters maybe different, the circumstances may be different, but it was the same damn emotion, same reaction/action, and same outcomes too! It just blew me away to start seeing the same patterns around me and what had happened to me was happening all around. The same mistakes were happening too. This time, since these situations were happening to someone else and not to me, I was able to observe as an outsider.

When good things happen, people are very quick to give themselves credit, but when difficult things happened, the reason was almost always someone else. And what I saw was that most people had explanations for every bad thing that happened to them and all these explanations were always about someone else. “He did that to me” or “The situation was like that” or “This happened out of nowhere” or “It must be fate/destiny/karma” or the classic victim angle “Why did this happen to me only?” It was very rare that I would find vocabulary that would say “I screwed up, I was responsible or I can respond better next time around”. One or two people out of many would admit this to themselves.

And when I heard that from the person, the realization somehow comes into you that this person is going to do something with his/her life, because he seems to have not mortgaged the outcomes of his life to incidents or other people. This person has taken responsibility, or rather, I realized later that this person has built the ability to respond. This ability to respond, gave out a strong vibe, of a person in absolute balance and control of how they were within themselves. Whatever situation this person would face, you just knew that they would be able to handle it and you would be able to put your trust behind them. In a difficult situation, you would go to this person blindly. That kind of vibe. It is not that this person faced different situations, but rather with responsibility taken up, you knew this person would take it up upon him/her to face the situation.

Was it possible to be like this? I wanted to be like this! I wanted to be responsible! And for the first time in my life, I felt a sense of absolute freedom, the likes of what I had not felt before. To be responsible for your own life, for your own emotions, for whatever you are. This was freedom.

And as I observed more such people, I observed the situations in my life as well. Every situation that came presented an opportunity to me — to be responsible or to be not. And it came in almost everything that I did. Even in my home, let’s say if a stray used plate was lying about, I had a choice — to ignore it hoping someone else would do it or respond to it and take it to the wash basin and clean it and keep it. Or if a difficult conversation came up with your friend/family member, I could let someone else take up the ball or avoid it completely or I could respond to the situation — whatever my response was didn’t matter — to the best of my ability, I could respond. Like this, I would start seeing hundreds of opportunities for me to respond! At first, I would pick and choose what I wanted to respond to and what I didn’t like, I wouldn’t respond to. But then I realized that this was missing the point. Doing what you like and avoiding what you didn’t like — this again was not taking up responsibility. This meant a lot of trouble. If I only think that I will choose to respond to only what I liked in life, then when things went bad (as they do in life from time to time), I would be incapable of handling them. It would lead to a deep sense of misery within myself, which was what was happening for all these years. If I could hand the sweet and sour of life with equanimity, then being joyful, being peaceful, being capable were not issues anymore. Because whatever the situation, I am ready!

It took me some time, but I slowly opened up myself to be responsive to everything around me. And response does not always mean action. If a cool breeze was blowing on my terrace and it was inviting me to respond with silence, I would spend those few minutes being in silence and just be with the breeze.

Being able to respond, slowly became a way of being alive to everything around me. I understood how much of my aliveness was so held back in some corner, being reserved and withheld for god knows what! Who knew, being responsible, meant coming alive. I always thought or rather had made this assumption that responsibility meant a burden and I had always viewed every opportunity of responsibility as a burden and always avoided it. Or rather took it with reluctance, doing half a job at it. Who knew, that being fully responsible, meant being fully open to life, meant being open to everything that came your way, good or bad. It did not matter what came my way, or what will come my way in the future. I knew I could respond to it. Maybe there are still some capability issues, in as such that I might not be capable of skillfully resolving every situation, but I knew that I could respond to the best of my ability. Capability will get built over time. Capability needs practice, and what better way to practice than to jump right into the middle of the action?

With this new definition of responsibility and the potency that it held, I could look at my career, my relationships, my physical fitness, my health, my mind and most importantly, my inner sense of being, with new eyes. I was responsible for all of these. I was in charge of all of these and only I could direct the course of all these things. It would be stupid to blame others for any of these. My joy, my sadness, my love, my hatred, my anger, my stillness; all were mine. To blame anyone else for all these things would be akin to placing the remote of my life in their hands. I sure was not ready to be a puppet to anyone’s whims, and taking responsibility was the way to take charge of these strings of life.

I am still learning this lesson, which seemed so innocuous that time to be taught in a yoga class, but has grown to be a tremendous force in my life. The more I implement this lesson, the more it evolves into different dimensions, showing me new possibilities and showing me the range of my capabilities. Being able to respond meant that I had to be absolutely involved in whatever I was doing. Without involvement, there was no taking up of responsibility. Isn’t it so? How can you take up responsibility for anything if you are not involved in it absolutely? And the more I was involved, there was more life! Have you seen, that if you are so involved in doing anything, like playing a video-game or sport, or dancing, or singing or writing, or doing work that you are really passionate about; you are very involved in it, isn’t it? And when you are so involved, it seems so significant and so full of life, isn’t it? Life seems so grand when you are involved. If you are doing something you don’t like, then it seems like such a drag. Like if you really liked reading this article and were involved in the whole experience of it, you would not realize that it was incredibly long, but if you could not relate to this, then you would have anyways left after reading the first paragraph. But when you are involved, you are full of life! What was this small life, suddenly seems so big and worth experiencing.

Responsibility or responsiveness to life around you, brings in involvement. And where there is involvement, there is life.